Post by pallas on Oct 27, 2023 16:50:25 GMT
Lucien let out an exhale as he stood outside a door that felt rather unfamiliar to him. He hadn’t really visited Pascal’s room before, he had to admit. They just hadn’t really had much cause to interact one-on-one. But this time it was necessary.
Ever since that awful night with the fight and then that terrible meeting, Pascal had been sort of withdrawn. He’d stepped in to help the injured after the meeting, but nobody had seen very much of him after that. Lucien felt he sort of owed it to him to check in on him, given that he’d helped Lucien when he’d been in such a state after that fight. Somebody needed to be checking in on him, and not to mention a thank-you was long overdue.
Lucien looked down at his palm, taking in the neat scar in the centre. Styx’s little gift to him. He had needed his own time, since that night, to process what had happened. What with the meeting and everything, he’d swept that fight under the rug in his mind so he could focus on what was happening but over the last couple of days he had been forced to address it. To process just how in danger and vulnerable he had been. He didn’t like being vulnerable, but these days it was all he seemed to be. It had taken some time for him to process the whole thing, but he was glad he’d done so before coming to talk to Pascal. It had been necessary work on his part before checking in on other people.
He closed his palm into a fist, lifting it to knock on Pascal’s door firmly and decisively. Not banging on it but not wanting Pascal to miss the knock.
Why did he feel nervous? The boy withdrew his hand from the door, letting it fall back to his side. He felt like there was more he’d come here to do than just thank Pascal, but he wasn’t really sure what he wanted. What he’d come here for.
He was about to find out.
“Pascal?” Lucien called to the other boy inside the room. “Pascal, it’s me.”
What the fuck did that mean? Obviously it was him but he said it like they were close and it should mean something that it was him at the door. No clue why he’d done that.
Within Pascal’s darkened chamber (aka his bedroom), the young man lay bent over his study desk, unmoving. The only signs of life being the slow rise and fall of his chest. However, at the sounds of a light knocking, the champion of Hades stirred from his slumber.
He didn’t recall falling asleep, nor did he have any idea how long he’d been out. The only indicator was a spilt cup of coffee at the side of his desk that had long since dried. It had been… a while.
Bleary-eyed and confused, he finally looked over at the door. “Tis a visitor,” Pascal mumbled, rubbing his face and finally sitting up in his chair. He wasn’t sure who would be trying to get his attention, but when the man heard Lucien’s voice call to him, it seemed to answer his inquiry.
“I should send him away…” he grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“It is unwise for you to ignore this, my champion,” Hade’s voice rang through his head, “and I’m sure you understand why.”
Pascal didn’t respond to his guide’s words and instead let out a tired sigh. Slowly he pulled himself away from his desk and towards the door. When he made it there, he opened it a crack and looked down at the boy standing outside.
“Lucien,” the man greeted, unenthused. His voice and expression indicated his exhaustion. “I was, uh-” Pascal briefly looked back into his room before looking back at him, “occupied. Did you need something?”
Thankfully, Pascal answered the door, but Lucien instantly recognised that he wasn’t doing great. He looked and sounded exhausted, and Lucien couldn’t see into the boy’s room but he could take a reasonable guess that it was messy.
When Pascal asked what he wanted, Lucien realised he hadn’t said anything yet and had probably left the other boy confused about why he was there. Lucien cleared his throat.
He wasn’t used to being vulnerable or open with people, especially people he didn’t know. Yes, it was a position he’d been forced into more and more lately, but he still hated it. He didn’t really know Pascal, at least on any meaningful level. They’d never really spoken just the two of them. This was awkward, then, but he knew it needed to be done.
“Oh, well I just wanted to thank you.” Lucien began, “For your help that day.” He could only hope Pascal knew exactly what he was talking about, he had to assume he would. Pascal had been there for the others when Lucien had been too incapacitated himself to do so. “And for helping me. I know it mustn’t have been pretty.”
He could only imagine what he and the others had looked like when they arrived in Medbay that night. He knew it must have been terrifying, and Lucien knew that from experience after healing wounds from other battles. He’d been so scared, as much as he hadn’t tried to show it. Granted, he’d had no idea what he had been doing and it seemed that Pascal had some kind of training but still, battlefield wounds were on their own level. He didn’t know how battlefield medics did it.
His thanks held the unspoken undercurrent that Lucien knew he could have died had things gone any differently in that battle or had he been unable to get healing. Pascal had saved his life. Lucien knew that, and he figured Pascal had to know that too. He hoped his gratefulness was adequately conveyed without him having to elaborate any more on his feelings or go on some grateful speech.
Besides, he was more concerned about something else. Pascal clearly was not doing okay, and Lucien had wanted to check on him when he’d arrived.
“You alright?” Lucien asked, and in those two words wanted to show Pascal that his state hadn’t gone unnoticed and that Lucien was concerned. He deserved for someone to check on him after everything that had happened.
Pascal blinked in surprise as Lucien expressed his gratitude for what happened. He didn’t expect to get any more thanks for what he’d done, and had been hoping it would blow over at some point.
“Thanks isn’t necessary,” the man expressed, lowering his head to the side to avoid eye contact, “it's what I was trained for.” It was awkward to receive praise for what he did, especially since he didn’t believe it was needed. He was just doing what he remembered from his time in school.
When Lucien asked if he was alright, the champion of Hades let out a slow and heavy breath. “I am not, no,” he responded bluntly, “but it is nothing unusual for me, and not something you need to concern yourself with.”
After what happened, his social battery was sufficiently drained. All the concern, people shouting, and the possibility someone could have died had been a lot for him to process. That didn’t even mention all the blood he had to look at during that time. It threw a wrench in his attempts to not sleep all day.
“Is that all?” Pascal finally asked, his tone sounding more avoidant than anything. As if he just wanted to get back to what he was doing and not have this conversation.
Lucien found it strange that Pascal tried to avoid the thanks, saying this was simply what he’d been trained for. Regardless, it was a lot to deal with and he deserved thanks for it. Lucien himself knew how stressful it could be, when people were hurt and relying on you.
“Of course they’re necessary.” Lucien countered. “If saving lives doesn’t deserve a thank you then nothing does.”
He was firm in his tone, showing he wouldn’t accept any argument from Pascal. He wasn’t going to let Pascal debate with him on whether gratitude was warranted here. How on earth could it not be, regardless of Pascal’s training? Did people not thank doctors when they helped them?
Then the boy explained that he wasn’t alright but Lucien didn’t need to concern himself, and the boy’s brows knitted together.
“If you don’t want to talk about it now or whatever that’s fine, but if this is usual for you then clearly suffering in silence isn’t helping anything.” Lucien pointed out. “I’m just saying, it doesn’t have to be now, or with me, but you should talk about it.”
He didn’t want Pascal to be quietly struggling on his own. He had enough of that with River and Laurie hiding from each other these past few days. There was enough self-imposed isolation in the Pantheon at that point.
Pascal was then clearly hinting that he wanted the conversation to end, but Lucien wasn’t going to allow him to be avoidant this way. He put his hand on the door, not in a threatening way but preventing Pascal from being able to close it on him all the same.
“No.” Lucien said. And suddenly he knew what he wanted to ask. What it was that had really brought him here. “I know you’re not doing well right now so it’s a bad time to ask, but…”
He swallowed. This wasn’t easy to admit. He wanted people to think he was okay, on top of everything. Unflappable. But he wasn’t. Not since he’d gotten his powers but certainly not since that last fight when he realised just how much danger everybody had been in with him incapacitated as he had been.
“I can’t do this on my own.” Lucien finally said. “I have no training, no experience. It’s fucking scary. And if something were to happen to me, or if I wasn’t around, well… you saw what happened.”
Thankfully Pascal had stepped in before, because people had been in danger when Lucien wasn’t available to heal them.
But Lucien knew he didn’t have the knowledge, skills and experience to deal with everything. He was blindly doing the best he could and praying for the best. The others deserved better than that, and shouldn’t have to rely totally on him. He didn’t want all the responsibility to be on himself.
“Would you consider being a healer?” Lucien questioned “With me? You know what you’re doing, at least, which is more than I can say. I need that - the others need that.”
Pascal didn’t have much of a response to Lucien's insistence on thanking him. He could argue that it wasn’t that healing shouldn’t be thanked, but because of how he was feeling himself that was the issue. However, it seemed clear that the boy wasn’t planning on budging this topic, so all the man could do was just slowly nod.
At Lucien’s suggestion to get help, he lifted his head back in shock. He didn’t expect this from someone he was just acquainted with. His routines differed from everyone else, and despite being there for months at this point, he couldn’t say anyone knew him very well. It was just easier when people didn’t try to get too close. Now Apollo’s chosen was trying to ruin that.
“I’m aware,” Pascal responded, his words came out slow and deliberately, “but I am not looking for advice at this point in time and I hope you understand that.”
It was just a routine he was stuck with, one that was similar to how he was before Hades had taken him to the Pantheon. Compared to back then he could at least say he wasn’t doing as bad. He had the energy to get food for himself. It was just slow.
“I can’t do this on my own-”
Pascal leaned in to listen as Lucien spoke, how the boy was feeling overwhelmed and was overall concerned about everyone’s safety if something were to happen to him. He felt a twinge of pity for him, knowing how much burden was put on a 17 year old to keep everyone healthy.
And then he asked him to be a healer too.
The champion of Hades’ expression didn’t seem to change at Lucien’s request. Almost as if a part of him was anticipating the question. He let out a heavy breath and stepped out from his room.
“I’ll need to think about it over coffee first,” Pascal finally responded as he made his way down the hallway.
Lucien hadn’t exactly expected for the conversation to turn into a therapy session or anything when he’d suggested Pascal talk to someone about what was going on. After all, again, they were acquaintances really. Maybe a bit more than that, allies and teammates too. But that wasn’t the point. He hadn’t said what he’d said because he expected Pascal to open up to him. He’d be the last person he’d suggest people open up to, really.
So when Pascal said he wasn’t looking for advice and he hoped Lucien understood, the boy had to respect what the other ascendant had said.
“Of course I do.” Lucien answered.
It was up to Pascal whether or not he eventually would decide to take Lucien’s advice and speak to someone about whatever was going on with him. After all, if he’d said he didn’t want to talk about something he’d want other people to respect that request.
He had to wait for a few tense moments after he asked Pascal to be a healer. He seemed to take a while considering the request, with no change in his expression to indicate to Lucien what his answer might ultimately be.
And then he said he wanted to think about it over coffee, and passed Lucien to begin making his way down the hallway, presumably on the way to the kitchen. Lucien followed.
“Thank you.” He was grateful that the other boy was even considering it, even if he hadn’t agreed yet. The idea that he might not have to handle all of the healing on his own? It felt like he could breathe again for the first time in a very long time.
He needed some help, even if it wasn’t much. And he had wanted to ask Pascal directly, because he didn’t want any of the others involved. The fewer people knew exactly how badly he was struggling, the better.
While Pascal made himself to the kitchen, he didn’t offer much of a response for Lucien, instead choosing to stay quiet. He wasn’t one for small-talk and was more focused on getting his coffee for the day than entertaining the younger boy. So when they finally made it to their destination, the champion of Hades focused entirely on the coffee machine and getting himself a cup of the dark roast.
Mug in hand, Pascal downed a large portion of his drink in the span of a second and sat down at a nearby table. The caffeine didn’t do much to chase away his exhaustion, but it did at least ease his brewing headache. He waited another few moments before remembering the other boy was also there, and lowered his head.
“I can’t in good conscience make any decision without letting you know, but,” Pascal paused for a moment and tilted his head up, “I’ve had training but I’d never completed it. I don’t have any certifications for health, I just went to college for a few years before dropping out.”
Lucien had seated himself at the table while Pascal made his coffee, the only hint in his expression showing his surprise at how quickly the other ascendant downed a good amount of his drink being a quirk of his brow.
He watched as the other boy sat down too to finish the drink, staying silent as Pascal seemed to take a quiet moment to recharge himself. It was a while before Pascal seemed to remember that Lucien was there.
Finally, though, Pascal explained the concern which was obviously holding him back when it came to deciding whether or not to help Lucien as a healer. Pascal didn’t have any qualifications because he had not completed his training.
It seemed to matter to Pascal, but in all honesty it didn’t affect Lucien’s opinion that he could use Pascal’s help at all.
“That still makes you a damn sight more qualified than any of the rest of us.” Lucien pointed out, “The closest thing I have to medical training is Apollo choosing me.”
Which, obviously, didn’t count. His powers could do a lot of good but he still didn’t know what he was doing. He had no idea why Apollo had wanted him, of all people.
“I know not being certified might be a concern for you,” Lucien acknowledged, “but just know that it isn’t for me. I’m more concerned that I’m only one person, and these abilities… well if I use them too much I’m no use to anybody.”
Not just because they caused him pain, but because they drained his energy, made him unsteady and weak. Fuzzy. His abilities had limits in terms of his own physical ability to handle using his powers. That meant he could only help so many people.
Pascal held his cup of coffee in his hands, listening intently as Lucien spoke. His brow furrowed at the mention of qualifications, and Pascal shook his head.
“Being more qualified than another doesn’t make one qualified,” he spoke, his eyes lowering down to his drink, “there is indeed a difference between us there. The certification isn’t what concerns me.”
While Lucien didn’t have training, his powers compensated for it by being nothing less than a miracle. He could heal people with just a touch and had the god of medicine himself speaking in his head. The downside of his powers seemed to be that it caused him pain in the process. He knew next to nothing but was still able to do what most doctors couldn’t even dream of.
Meanwhile Pascal had none of that. He had years of medical school, but never took an internship by the time he dropped out. The work he did days before would have been his first time working on a living person, and unlike with Lucien’s powers, there was the chance for something to go very wrong. He could make one mistake and someone could be more injured as a result. Or worse.
He didn’t trust himself to know what he was doing full time. Didn’t trust himself that something wouldn’t go wrong. Or if something didn’t go wrong, he’d end up doing the same thing he did when he left school and spoke to no one. He was able to do the last one because of necessity, but it didn’t feel right to give people that expectation when his emotions were so volatile.
However, when he looked back at Lucien, it started to sink in why he’d been asking Pascal. It really wasn’t about finding someone who could do it, but looking for support in something that he’d been doing by himself this whole time. A 17 year old being put in charge of the health of almost 20 people, that was not fair to him.
Pascal took a heavy breath and finished off the rest of his coffee. Setting the mug down, he gave Lucien an intense expression. “I can help with healing duties, yes. If you want me to teach you, I can lend you some old text books of mine and we can talk you through some things.”
Lucien shook his head when Pascal suggested that the qualifications issue was a concern for Lucien. It wasn’t, and indeed that was the point he then made.
But he could tell that Pascal wasn’t getting what he was trying to say. What he was trying to say, but could not say properly, was that he was afraid. That he was carrying a burden he didn’t know how to deal with, and he needed someone to lift some of the weight under which he threatened to crack.
Just like he’d said earlier, he couldn’t do this on his own.
He’d helped to care for his mother back at home, but he’d never had people relying on him to this extent before. He’d seen injuries of a kind he’d never dreamed he’d ever have to see, and known it was somehow his responsibility to make it better. It cost him in terms of pain, but he did it anyway because what kind of person would he be if he didn’t use the abilities he had to help those who needed him? But he’d never chosen it for himself. Just like he’d never chosen the added stress of being a leader.
Lucien opened his mouth as if to speak, as if to voice these things, but then sighed. He put his elbows on the table, his hands lacing at his neck as he looked down to the table.
He knew what he was feeling, but couldn’t voice it. Not to Pascal and maybe not to anyone. It was taking a lot just to admit what he had about needing help, about his fears about what might happen to the others if he wasn’t able to be there.
But then, blessedly, Pascal seemed to have understood, at least on some level, what Lucien was trying to communicate. Lucien heard him speaking, saying he would help.
Lucien looked up, taking what felt like the first full breath he’d taken in a while. The expression in Pascal’s eyes was intense, but there was only relief and gratitude in Lucien’s.
He felt like he’d been pulled out from underwater, a pressure around his chest draining away. At least a little bit.
“Thank you, Pascal.” Lucien exhaled. “Is there anything I can do in return? So we’re even?”
After all, Pascal had saved Lucien’s life and now agreed to help support Lucien with healing responsibilities, even to teach him some basics. Lucien hadn’t done anything for Pascal and in fact he wasn’t sure he had anything to offer the other boy. But he’d have to find something.
Lucien didn’t like owing people.
After he agreed to help, Pascal took notice of a change in Lucien. Like an immense pressure had been lightened from his shoulders. Going forward, it did seem to be the most beneficial arrangement for the both of them. For the champion of Apollo it would help ease his burden about being the only one who could help people in that way.
And for the Champion of Hades? It would give him some purpose outside of mulling in his bed chamber. He wanted to pull himself out of his perpetual slump and actually help people. Becoming a doctor had been his dream since childhood, and even if he hadn’t completed his degree, he could still be of use.
The younger boy then asked him if there was anything he could do to repay him, and for a moment Pascal contemplated refusing his offer. He didn’t want anything from him, not money, not some oddity, nothing. However, an idea popped in his head. One that would benefit him while hopefully not putting any pressure on Lucien himself.
“I want Apollo to officiate this as an internship,” Pascal spoke, assured of his decision, “Medical School requires an internship to finish one’s degree. If I want to go back to school… this would benefit me.”
Apollo was the god of medicine, which meant he was one of the highest authorities in this field. In some ways, it was his fault that studying the subject was so grueling to learn, but that was beyond the point. If there was anyone he needed to go to about his position, it would be him.
Pascal seemed to think about Lucien’s offer for a short time, and Lucien honestly thought he might refuse. He’d get it if Pascal did, because Lucien wasn’t sure what he had to offer him. All he was sure of was that he couldn’t let the help Pascal had offered go without something from him in return.
But then Pascal did ask for something, not from Lucien but from his guide. Lucien hadn’t even thought about asking something of Apollo as an option, but it was smart. Apollo could give far more than his champion.
It was something Lucien himself would readily agree to if it were his choice, but as it was he had to address his guide.
Lucien nodded in acknowledgment of the request.
“Apollo?” the boy asked, clearly addressing his guide because he looked up slightly as if that would help his words to reach the voice in his head.
Apollo was all for it. Flattered that Pascal would ask him for something, especially his help with the boy’s medical career. Probably enjoying feeling useful, because after all the gods weren’t able to intervene much in anything and if Lucien were a god he’d feel pretty helpless if he had a champion and could do so little to help them. Mostly, though, he was probably enjoying the attention.
Apollo would make sure the matter was settled for Pascal, though of course it couldn’t have Apollo’s name on it or who would believe Pascal? He couldn’t tell people that he’d interned with a literal god many people believed to be the stuff of myths from thousands of years ago. Regardless, Apollo would use what was available to him as a god to make sure that everything was arranged for Pascal.
“He agrees.” Lucien replied with a hint of a smile at the god’s excitement. “Enthusiastically.”
The deal was therefore struck. Apollo would secure Pascal what he needed should he ever want to return to medical school, and Pascal would help share that heavy weight of being a healer.
But there was one more thing.
“Oh, and Pascal?” Lucien asked “The others don’t need to know about what I told you today. I don’t want them to worry about asking me for help.”
He didn’t want them not to ask for him to help because they thought he was struggling. He didn’t want them to worry about him, because he had to do what he had to do and that was the truth of the matter.
“Especially not Cleo.” Lucien said, frowning. They thought he was useless enough already without that information reaching their ears. Besides, he was pissed at them for everything that was said during that meeting.
“Not a word to any of them. Yeah?”
While Lucien conversed with his god, Pascal stood up and poured himself another cup of coffee. By the time he sat back down, he already got his answer. Apollo agreed, good. With how much work he was expecting to go through with the pantheon, he knew it would be impossible to find another opportunity that fit with his schedule if it came down to that.
The champion of Hades bowed his head in thanks, and took another sip of his drink when Lucien spoke up with a request. Not to tell anyone about what he’d mentioned about needing help. In thought, Pascal set his mug down on the table.
“I had no intention to,” he spoke, shaking his head slightly. It wasn’t in his place to comment on what Lucien was and wasn’t capable of, nor was it his business to divulge something so personal. Not to mention how bad it would be if people stopped seeking healing because they thought it was a burden to the both of them. However…
“There is one thing you should keep in mind,” Pascal breathed, “if it ever comes to a point where this is beyond both of us, if we have more people getting hurt than either of us can handle, it will be something that we should address.”
They had almost 20 people and only 2 healers. They’d been lucky that more people hadn’t been injured at once, but if things got more serious and more people required care, it would end up being beyond both their capabilities. It was the reason doctors had teams working on patients.
Lucien was relieved that Pascal had never had any intention of telling the others about the stress Lucien had expressed to Pascal that he was under. He could do without word of that getting around the group.
Not that he’d had any doubts about Pascal’s discretion, he was hardly a gossip, but he felt like it had to be said.
But when Pascal said that they should consider telling people if things got too much, Lucien had to agree with that assessment. It would not be wise to keep it from the others if things got impossible to handle.
“Of course.” Lucien agreed. “If we didn’t it would be unsafe.”
He’d never put his own pride above the safety of the others, at least not intentionally. That was a line he would never cross, no matter what happened. He cared too much about the other ascendants to do that.
“I know it’s a lot to ask of anyone.” Lucien said after a moment. He knew that as well as Pascal did, even if he’d never actually been asked the way he’d just asked Pascal; if he had he’d never have agreed. “So thank you for this.”
Pascal nodded when the two came to agreement. He was hoping they’d never get to a point where they’d need more healers, but their misfortune seemed cruel enough that it would be a necessity at some point. Especially if last time decided to repeat itself.
Being asked to help with healing was a lot, he knew, but he felt he owed it to people to at least try. Lucien still insisted on thanking the champion of Hades, and the man did nothing to deter it. Trying to deflect his gratitude only seemed to make him more stubborn about giving it, so it was best to just let him say it.
In some ways, he reminded Pascal of Lydia, just without the pushy-ness. If she were around, she’d be dragging him around to get stuff done. He wondered how she was doing but, sending her a message after many months of ignoring her just filled him with dread.
Swiftly, Pascal finished off his second mug of coffee and stood up to leave, “If you want, we can start with the basics today. There’s some books we can look over, so hopefully they’ll be of some use.”
Ever since that awful night with the fight and then that terrible meeting, Pascal had been sort of withdrawn. He’d stepped in to help the injured after the meeting, but nobody had seen very much of him after that. Lucien felt he sort of owed it to him to check in on him, given that he’d helped Lucien when he’d been in such a state after that fight. Somebody needed to be checking in on him, and not to mention a thank-you was long overdue.
Lucien looked down at his palm, taking in the neat scar in the centre. Styx’s little gift to him. He had needed his own time, since that night, to process what had happened. What with the meeting and everything, he’d swept that fight under the rug in his mind so he could focus on what was happening but over the last couple of days he had been forced to address it. To process just how in danger and vulnerable he had been. He didn’t like being vulnerable, but these days it was all he seemed to be. It had taken some time for him to process the whole thing, but he was glad he’d done so before coming to talk to Pascal. It had been necessary work on his part before checking in on other people.
He closed his palm into a fist, lifting it to knock on Pascal’s door firmly and decisively. Not banging on it but not wanting Pascal to miss the knock.
Why did he feel nervous? The boy withdrew his hand from the door, letting it fall back to his side. He felt like there was more he’d come here to do than just thank Pascal, but he wasn’t really sure what he wanted. What he’d come here for.
He was about to find out.
“Pascal?” Lucien called to the other boy inside the room. “Pascal, it’s me.”
What the fuck did that mean? Obviously it was him but he said it like they were close and it should mean something that it was him at the door. No clue why he’d done that.
Within Pascal’s darkened chamber (aka his bedroom), the young man lay bent over his study desk, unmoving. The only signs of life being the slow rise and fall of his chest. However, at the sounds of a light knocking, the champion of Hades stirred from his slumber.
He didn’t recall falling asleep, nor did he have any idea how long he’d been out. The only indicator was a spilt cup of coffee at the side of his desk that had long since dried. It had been… a while.
Bleary-eyed and confused, he finally looked over at the door. “Tis a visitor,” Pascal mumbled, rubbing his face and finally sitting up in his chair. He wasn’t sure who would be trying to get his attention, but when the man heard Lucien’s voice call to him, it seemed to answer his inquiry.
“I should send him away…” he grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“It is unwise for you to ignore this, my champion,” Hade’s voice rang through his head, “and I’m sure you understand why.”
Pascal didn’t respond to his guide’s words and instead let out a tired sigh. Slowly he pulled himself away from his desk and towards the door. When he made it there, he opened it a crack and looked down at the boy standing outside.
“Lucien,” the man greeted, unenthused. His voice and expression indicated his exhaustion. “I was, uh-” Pascal briefly looked back into his room before looking back at him, “occupied. Did you need something?”
Thankfully, Pascal answered the door, but Lucien instantly recognised that he wasn’t doing great. He looked and sounded exhausted, and Lucien couldn’t see into the boy’s room but he could take a reasonable guess that it was messy.
When Pascal asked what he wanted, Lucien realised he hadn’t said anything yet and had probably left the other boy confused about why he was there. Lucien cleared his throat.
He wasn’t used to being vulnerable or open with people, especially people he didn’t know. Yes, it was a position he’d been forced into more and more lately, but he still hated it. He didn’t really know Pascal, at least on any meaningful level. They’d never really spoken just the two of them. This was awkward, then, but he knew it needed to be done.
“Oh, well I just wanted to thank you.” Lucien began, “For your help that day.” He could only hope Pascal knew exactly what he was talking about, he had to assume he would. Pascal had been there for the others when Lucien had been too incapacitated himself to do so. “And for helping me. I know it mustn’t have been pretty.”
He could only imagine what he and the others had looked like when they arrived in Medbay that night. He knew it must have been terrifying, and Lucien knew that from experience after healing wounds from other battles. He’d been so scared, as much as he hadn’t tried to show it. Granted, he’d had no idea what he had been doing and it seemed that Pascal had some kind of training but still, battlefield wounds were on their own level. He didn’t know how battlefield medics did it.
His thanks held the unspoken undercurrent that Lucien knew he could have died had things gone any differently in that battle or had he been unable to get healing. Pascal had saved his life. Lucien knew that, and he figured Pascal had to know that too. He hoped his gratefulness was adequately conveyed without him having to elaborate any more on his feelings or go on some grateful speech.
Besides, he was more concerned about something else. Pascal clearly was not doing okay, and Lucien had wanted to check on him when he’d arrived.
“You alright?” Lucien asked, and in those two words wanted to show Pascal that his state hadn’t gone unnoticed and that Lucien was concerned. He deserved for someone to check on him after everything that had happened.
Pascal blinked in surprise as Lucien expressed his gratitude for what happened. He didn’t expect to get any more thanks for what he’d done, and had been hoping it would blow over at some point.
“Thanks isn’t necessary,” the man expressed, lowering his head to the side to avoid eye contact, “it's what I was trained for.” It was awkward to receive praise for what he did, especially since he didn’t believe it was needed. He was just doing what he remembered from his time in school.
When Lucien asked if he was alright, the champion of Hades let out a slow and heavy breath. “I am not, no,” he responded bluntly, “but it is nothing unusual for me, and not something you need to concern yourself with.”
After what happened, his social battery was sufficiently drained. All the concern, people shouting, and the possibility someone could have died had been a lot for him to process. That didn’t even mention all the blood he had to look at during that time. It threw a wrench in his attempts to not sleep all day.
“Is that all?” Pascal finally asked, his tone sounding more avoidant than anything. As if he just wanted to get back to what he was doing and not have this conversation.
Lucien found it strange that Pascal tried to avoid the thanks, saying this was simply what he’d been trained for. Regardless, it was a lot to deal with and he deserved thanks for it. Lucien himself knew how stressful it could be, when people were hurt and relying on you.
“Of course they’re necessary.” Lucien countered. “If saving lives doesn’t deserve a thank you then nothing does.”
He was firm in his tone, showing he wouldn’t accept any argument from Pascal. He wasn’t going to let Pascal debate with him on whether gratitude was warranted here. How on earth could it not be, regardless of Pascal’s training? Did people not thank doctors when they helped them?
Then the boy explained that he wasn’t alright but Lucien didn’t need to concern himself, and the boy’s brows knitted together.
“If you don’t want to talk about it now or whatever that’s fine, but if this is usual for you then clearly suffering in silence isn’t helping anything.” Lucien pointed out. “I’m just saying, it doesn’t have to be now, or with me, but you should talk about it.”
He didn’t want Pascal to be quietly struggling on his own. He had enough of that with River and Laurie hiding from each other these past few days. There was enough self-imposed isolation in the Pantheon at that point.
Pascal was then clearly hinting that he wanted the conversation to end, but Lucien wasn’t going to allow him to be avoidant this way. He put his hand on the door, not in a threatening way but preventing Pascal from being able to close it on him all the same.
“No.” Lucien said. And suddenly he knew what he wanted to ask. What it was that had really brought him here. “I know you’re not doing well right now so it’s a bad time to ask, but…”
He swallowed. This wasn’t easy to admit. He wanted people to think he was okay, on top of everything. Unflappable. But he wasn’t. Not since he’d gotten his powers but certainly not since that last fight when he realised just how much danger everybody had been in with him incapacitated as he had been.
“I can’t do this on my own.” Lucien finally said. “I have no training, no experience. It’s fucking scary. And if something were to happen to me, or if I wasn’t around, well… you saw what happened.”
Thankfully Pascal had stepped in before, because people had been in danger when Lucien wasn’t available to heal them.
But Lucien knew he didn’t have the knowledge, skills and experience to deal with everything. He was blindly doing the best he could and praying for the best. The others deserved better than that, and shouldn’t have to rely totally on him. He didn’t want all the responsibility to be on himself.
“Would you consider being a healer?” Lucien questioned “With me? You know what you’re doing, at least, which is more than I can say. I need that - the others need that.”
Pascal didn’t have much of a response to Lucien's insistence on thanking him. He could argue that it wasn’t that healing shouldn’t be thanked, but because of how he was feeling himself that was the issue. However, it seemed clear that the boy wasn’t planning on budging this topic, so all the man could do was just slowly nod.
At Lucien’s suggestion to get help, he lifted his head back in shock. He didn’t expect this from someone he was just acquainted with. His routines differed from everyone else, and despite being there for months at this point, he couldn’t say anyone knew him very well. It was just easier when people didn’t try to get too close. Now Apollo’s chosen was trying to ruin that.
“I’m aware,” Pascal responded, his words came out slow and deliberately, “but I am not looking for advice at this point in time and I hope you understand that.”
It was just a routine he was stuck with, one that was similar to how he was before Hades had taken him to the Pantheon. Compared to back then he could at least say he wasn’t doing as bad. He had the energy to get food for himself. It was just slow.
“I can’t do this on my own-”
Pascal leaned in to listen as Lucien spoke, how the boy was feeling overwhelmed and was overall concerned about everyone’s safety if something were to happen to him. He felt a twinge of pity for him, knowing how much burden was put on a 17 year old to keep everyone healthy.
And then he asked him to be a healer too.
The champion of Hades’ expression didn’t seem to change at Lucien’s request. Almost as if a part of him was anticipating the question. He let out a heavy breath and stepped out from his room.
“I’ll need to think about it over coffee first,” Pascal finally responded as he made his way down the hallway.
Lucien hadn’t exactly expected for the conversation to turn into a therapy session or anything when he’d suggested Pascal talk to someone about what was going on. After all, again, they were acquaintances really. Maybe a bit more than that, allies and teammates too. But that wasn’t the point. He hadn’t said what he’d said because he expected Pascal to open up to him. He’d be the last person he’d suggest people open up to, really.
So when Pascal said he wasn’t looking for advice and he hoped Lucien understood, the boy had to respect what the other ascendant had said.
“Of course I do.” Lucien answered.
It was up to Pascal whether or not he eventually would decide to take Lucien’s advice and speak to someone about whatever was going on with him. After all, if he’d said he didn’t want to talk about something he’d want other people to respect that request.
He had to wait for a few tense moments after he asked Pascal to be a healer. He seemed to take a while considering the request, with no change in his expression to indicate to Lucien what his answer might ultimately be.
And then he said he wanted to think about it over coffee, and passed Lucien to begin making his way down the hallway, presumably on the way to the kitchen. Lucien followed.
“Thank you.” He was grateful that the other boy was even considering it, even if he hadn’t agreed yet. The idea that he might not have to handle all of the healing on his own? It felt like he could breathe again for the first time in a very long time.
He needed some help, even if it wasn’t much. And he had wanted to ask Pascal directly, because he didn’t want any of the others involved. The fewer people knew exactly how badly he was struggling, the better.
While Pascal made himself to the kitchen, he didn’t offer much of a response for Lucien, instead choosing to stay quiet. He wasn’t one for small-talk and was more focused on getting his coffee for the day than entertaining the younger boy. So when they finally made it to their destination, the champion of Hades focused entirely on the coffee machine and getting himself a cup of the dark roast.
Mug in hand, Pascal downed a large portion of his drink in the span of a second and sat down at a nearby table. The caffeine didn’t do much to chase away his exhaustion, but it did at least ease his brewing headache. He waited another few moments before remembering the other boy was also there, and lowered his head.
“I can’t in good conscience make any decision without letting you know, but,” Pascal paused for a moment and tilted his head up, “I’ve had training but I’d never completed it. I don’t have any certifications for health, I just went to college for a few years before dropping out.”
Lucien had seated himself at the table while Pascal made his coffee, the only hint in his expression showing his surprise at how quickly the other ascendant downed a good amount of his drink being a quirk of his brow.
He watched as the other boy sat down too to finish the drink, staying silent as Pascal seemed to take a quiet moment to recharge himself. It was a while before Pascal seemed to remember that Lucien was there.
Finally, though, Pascal explained the concern which was obviously holding him back when it came to deciding whether or not to help Lucien as a healer. Pascal didn’t have any qualifications because he had not completed his training.
It seemed to matter to Pascal, but in all honesty it didn’t affect Lucien’s opinion that he could use Pascal’s help at all.
“That still makes you a damn sight more qualified than any of the rest of us.” Lucien pointed out, “The closest thing I have to medical training is Apollo choosing me.”
Which, obviously, didn’t count. His powers could do a lot of good but he still didn’t know what he was doing. He had no idea why Apollo had wanted him, of all people.
“I know not being certified might be a concern for you,” Lucien acknowledged, “but just know that it isn’t for me. I’m more concerned that I’m only one person, and these abilities… well if I use them too much I’m no use to anybody.”
Not just because they caused him pain, but because they drained his energy, made him unsteady and weak. Fuzzy. His abilities had limits in terms of his own physical ability to handle using his powers. That meant he could only help so many people.
Pascal held his cup of coffee in his hands, listening intently as Lucien spoke. His brow furrowed at the mention of qualifications, and Pascal shook his head.
“Being more qualified than another doesn’t make one qualified,” he spoke, his eyes lowering down to his drink, “there is indeed a difference between us there. The certification isn’t what concerns me.”
While Lucien didn’t have training, his powers compensated for it by being nothing less than a miracle. He could heal people with just a touch and had the god of medicine himself speaking in his head. The downside of his powers seemed to be that it caused him pain in the process. He knew next to nothing but was still able to do what most doctors couldn’t even dream of.
Meanwhile Pascal had none of that. He had years of medical school, but never took an internship by the time he dropped out. The work he did days before would have been his first time working on a living person, and unlike with Lucien’s powers, there was the chance for something to go very wrong. He could make one mistake and someone could be more injured as a result. Or worse.
He didn’t trust himself to know what he was doing full time. Didn’t trust himself that something wouldn’t go wrong. Or if something didn’t go wrong, he’d end up doing the same thing he did when he left school and spoke to no one. He was able to do the last one because of necessity, but it didn’t feel right to give people that expectation when his emotions were so volatile.
However, when he looked back at Lucien, it started to sink in why he’d been asking Pascal. It really wasn’t about finding someone who could do it, but looking for support in something that he’d been doing by himself this whole time. A 17 year old being put in charge of the health of almost 20 people, that was not fair to him.
Pascal took a heavy breath and finished off the rest of his coffee. Setting the mug down, he gave Lucien an intense expression. “I can help with healing duties, yes. If you want me to teach you, I can lend you some old text books of mine and we can talk you through some things.”
Lucien shook his head when Pascal suggested that the qualifications issue was a concern for Lucien. It wasn’t, and indeed that was the point he then made.
But he could tell that Pascal wasn’t getting what he was trying to say. What he was trying to say, but could not say properly, was that he was afraid. That he was carrying a burden he didn’t know how to deal with, and he needed someone to lift some of the weight under which he threatened to crack.
Just like he’d said earlier, he couldn’t do this on his own.
He’d helped to care for his mother back at home, but he’d never had people relying on him to this extent before. He’d seen injuries of a kind he’d never dreamed he’d ever have to see, and known it was somehow his responsibility to make it better. It cost him in terms of pain, but he did it anyway because what kind of person would he be if he didn’t use the abilities he had to help those who needed him? But he’d never chosen it for himself. Just like he’d never chosen the added stress of being a leader.
Lucien opened his mouth as if to speak, as if to voice these things, but then sighed. He put his elbows on the table, his hands lacing at his neck as he looked down to the table.
He knew what he was feeling, but couldn’t voice it. Not to Pascal and maybe not to anyone. It was taking a lot just to admit what he had about needing help, about his fears about what might happen to the others if he wasn’t able to be there.
But then, blessedly, Pascal seemed to have understood, at least on some level, what Lucien was trying to communicate. Lucien heard him speaking, saying he would help.
Lucien looked up, taking what felt like the first full breath he’d taken in a while. The expression in Pascal’s eyes was intense, but there was only relief and gratitude in Lucien’s.
He felt like he’d been pulled out from underwater, a pressure around his chest draining away. At least a little bit.
“Thank you, Pascal.” Lucien exhaled. “Is there anything I can do in return? So we’re even?”
After all, Pascal had saved Lucien’s life and now agreed to help support Lucien with healing responsibilities, even to teach him some basics. Lucien hadn’t done anything for Pascal and in fact he wasn’t sure he had anything to offer the other boy. But he’d have to find something.
Lucien didn’t like owing people.
After he agreed to help, Pascal took notice of a change in Lucien. Like an immense pressure had been lightened from his shoulders. Going forward, it did seem to be the most beneficial arrangement for the both of them. For the champion of Apollo it would help ease his burden about being the only one who could help people in that way.
And for the Champion of Hades? It would give him some purpose outside of mulling in his bed chamber. He wanted to pull himself out of his perpetual slump and actually help people. Becoming a doctor had been his dream since childhood, and even if he hadn’t completed his degree, he could still be of use.
The younger boy then asked him if there was anything he could do to repay him, and for a moment Pascal contemplated refusing his offer. He didn’t want anything from him, not money, not some oddity, nothing. However, an idea popped in his head. One that would benefit him while hopefully not putting any pressure on Lucien himself.
“I want Apollo to officiate this as an internship,” Pascal spoke, assured of his decision, “Medical School requires an internship to finish one’s degree. If I want to go back to school… this would benefit me.”
Apollo was the god of medicine, which meant he was one of the highest authorities in this field. In some ways, it was his fault that studying the subject was so grueling to learn, but that was beyond the point. If there was anyone he needed to go to about his position, it would be him.
Pascal seemed to think about Lucien’s offer for a short time, and Lucien honestly thought he might refuse. He’d get it if Pascal did, because Lucien wasn’t sure what he had to offer him. All he was sure of was that he couldn’t let the help Pascal had offered go without something from him in return.
But then Pascal did ask for something, not from Lucien but from his guide. Lucien hadn’t even thought about asking something of Apollo as an option, but it was smart. Apollo could give far more than his champion.
It was something Lucien himself would readily agree to if it were his choice, but as it was he had to address his guide.
Lucien nodded in acknowledgment of the request.
“Apollo?” the boy asked, clearly addressing his guide because he looked up slightly as if that would help his words to reach the voice in his head.
Apollo was all for it. Flattered that Pascal would ask him for something, especially his help with the boy’s medical career. Probably enjoying feeling useful, because after all the gods weren’t able to intervene much in anything and if Lucien were a god he’d feel pretty helpless if he had a champion and could do so little to help them. Mostly, though, he was probably enjoying the attention.
Apollo would make sure the matter was settled for Pascal, though of course it couldn’t have Apollo’s name on it or who would believe Pascal? He couldn’t tell people that he’d interned with a literal god many people believed to be the stuff of myths from thousands of years ago. Regardless, Apollo would use what was available to him as a god to make sure that everything was arranged for Pascal.
“He agrees.” Lucien replied with a hint of a smile at the god’s excitement. “Enthusiastically.”
The deal was therefore struck. Apollo would secure Pascal what he needed should he ever want to return to medical school, and Pascal would help share that heavy weight of being a healer.
But there was one more thing.
“Oh, and Pascal?” Lucien asked “The others don’t need to know about what I told you today. I don’t want them to worry about asking me for help.”
He didn’t want them not to ask for him to help because they thought he was struggling. He didn’t want them to worry about him, because he had to do what he had to do and that was the truth of the matter.
“Especially not Cleo.” Lucien said, frowning. They thought he was useless enough already without that information reaching their ears. Besides, he was pissed at them for everything that was said during that meeting.
“Not a word to any of them. Yeah?”
While Lucien conversed with his god, Pascal stood up and poured himself another cup of coffee. By the time he sat back down, he already got his answer. Apollo agreed, good. With how much work he was expecting to go through with the pantheon, he knew it would be impossible to find another opportunity that fit with his schedule if it came down to that.
The champion of Hades bowed his head in thanks, and took another sip of his drink when Lucien spoke up with a request. Not to tell anyone about what he’d mentioned about needing help. In thought, Pascal set his mug down on the table.
“I had no intention to,” he spoke, shaking his head slightly. It wasn’t in his place to comment on what Lucien was and wasn’t capable of, nor was it his business to divulge something so personal. Not to mention how bad it would be if people stopped seeking healing because they thought it was a burden to the both of them. However…
“There is one thing you should keep in mind,” Pascal breathed, “if it ever comes to a point where this is beyond both of us, if we have more people getting hurt than either of us can handle, it will be something that we should address.”
They had almost 20 people and only 2 healers. They’d been lucky that more people hadn’t been injured at once, but if things got more serious and more people required care, it would end up being beyond both their capabilities. It was the reason doctors had teams working on patients.
Lucien was relieved that Pascal had never had any intention of telling the others about the stress Lucien had expressed to Pascal that he was under. He could do without word of that getting around the group.
Not that he’d had any doubts about Pascal’s discretion, he was hardly a gossip, but he felt like it had to be said.
But when Pascal said that they should consider telling people if things got too much, Lucien had to agree with that assessment. It would not be wise to keep it from the others if things got impossible to handle.
“Of course.” Lucien agreed. “If we didn’t it would be unsafe.”
He’d never put his own pride above the safety of the others, at least not intentionally. That was a line he would never cross, no matter what happened. He cared too much about the other ascendants to do that.
“I know it’s a lot to ask of anyone.” Lucien said after a moment. He knew that as well as Pascal did, even if he’d never actually been asked the way he’d just asked Pascal; if he had he’d never have agreed. “So thank you for this.”
Pascal nodded when the two came to agreement. He was hoping they’d never get to a point where they’d need more healers, but their misfortune seemed cruel enough that it would be a necessity at some point. Especially if last time decided to repeat itself.
Being asked to help with healing was a lot, he knew, but he felt he owed it to people to at least try. Lucien still insisted on thanking the champion of Hades, and the man did nothing to deter it. Trying to deflect his gratitude only seemed to make him more stubborn about giving it, so it was best to just let him say it.
In some ways, he reminded Pascal of Lydia, just without the pushy-ness. If she were around, she’d be dragging him around to get stuff done. He wondered how she was doing but, sending her a message after many months of ignoring her just filled him with dread.
Swiftly, Pascal finished off his second mug of coffee and stood up to leave, “If you want, we can start with the basics today. There’s some books we can look over, so hopefully they’ll be of some use.”